Quite some time ago I decided to write some memories down I had about a buddy of mine. I really need to go back and fix a few things and tell the story better, but for now, here they are as I wrote them a few years ago. The following posts are simply copied from that site. “My friend Cy has to be one of the coolest guys I know, despite having some of the worst luck ever inflicted upon a human being. As the years went by I started to forget some of the stories and decided I would write some of them down. There were hundreds of daily events which showed his horrible luck, but I’ve tried to concentrate on some of the funnier mishaps. These are by no means all of them, just the ones I can remember.”
Chicken Bones
During a summer between school Cy, Vincent, and I stayed at Vincent’s house on the lake for a week. We had planned this little vacation for some time. Any rational person would think to bring food or at least money for food; not Cy. I guess he thought there would be food already there. We of course bought some food at the grocery store, largely bread and a strange peanut butter-type spread. While we were there other unexpected costs arose and Vincent and I were running low on money too. One morning Vincent and I woke up before Cy and were hungry as could be and were tired of eating peanut butter and bread, so we drove into town to get some food, leaving Cy behind sleeping. We picked up some chicken from a local gas station of all places, but being so hungry for something different, we finished it before we got back to the house. When we arrived back at the house Cy was awake. He anxiously asked where we were and smelled the food on us. He immediately started asking where the food we got for him was. We casually told him we didn’t buy any for him. He really didn’t believe us. About 15 minutes later he came to the realization we really didn’t buy him any food. He was also so sick of the peanut butter and bread he wanted something different. We jokingly told him there may still be some chicken on the bones in the car. Sure enough, he went to the car and brought back the container of eaten chicken wings. What proceeded to happen still makes me laugh. He actually just started eating the chicken bones. He didn’t see anything strange about that, but Vincent and myself just laughed uncontrollably as he ate those chicken bones. I can only imagine how much pain he went through later…
Wingnut
“Wingnut” was the name of Cy’s first car. I think the football team gave it that name for obvious reasons. It was an early 1980’s white/creme Honda with no air, heat, or style. If you’ve ever heard the song “Piece of Shit Car” by Adam Sandler you can get a good appreciation for this car. While he owned that car everything that could go wrong did. Some of the funnier mishaps include the time where he was driving home in a horrible rain storm and his windshield wiper just broke off; not the blade, the whole thing. Another sign was when he couldn’t get the car to turn off. He turned off the ignition and removed his key, but the car wouldn’t turn off. Riding with him was a unique experience too. The passenger door never completely closed, so when he made a left turn it would sometimes swing open. If you didn’t know any better you would have thought it ran on 10w-30 opposed to gas he put it in so much.
The Red Huptie
This story is about Cy’s car more than him. He bought this 30 year old red tank from a guy who said he only drove it too and from the golf course on Sundays. Cy believed this because, I quote “he actually had golf clubs in the trunk.” He was able to drive it home, and then the trouble started. He soon thereafter drove it to the grocery store which we worked at and showed it to some friends. When I went out to see it he attempted to start it, but it didn’t start. After a few minutes of tinkering, he figured it was the battery. That’s pretty common. So, he went to the store across the parking lot to get a new battery. This was one of many new batteries he would buy for that car. The new battery surely fixed the problem. It started right up. The roar of the huge engine was Cy’s pride and joy. I don’t remember the exact order of the following events but they all happened in about a month’s time. One night he was driving to the movie theatre about 15 miles away when he had a blow out. That’s pretty common. Well, he figured if he hurried he could put the spare on and still catch the movie. Vincent was there with Cy also; this is where I get my point of view. He said Cy opened the trunk and fiddled around back there for a while. Vincent went out there and looked at the spare tire. It was completely rusted to the bed of the trunk. Cy nor Vincent could pry it from the trunk. By this time it was already pretty dark and they needed a larger crow bar also. They decided to flag down a cop. Vincent tells me the cops had a crowbar and a flashlight and were gracious enough to let Cy use them. Apparently the cop held the flashlight on Cy’s trunk where he proceeded to try to remove the rusted tire. After a few minutes of Cy unsuccessfully trying to remove the spare and the cops laughing profusely; Cy decided to call a tow truck. When the tow truck arrived they hooked their chains to the underside of Cy’s car to pull it on the bed. Well of course they ripped something off. I don’t remember what, but that just can’t be good. They repositioned the chains and pulled it up again. This time, when they pulled it up the back of the car rubbed the ground and broke the muffler off. Again, this can’t be good. As far as I remember, that’s all that happened to him that night. Another day Cy was driving to his fathers house in Riverdale from Fayetteville, a nice 15 mile drive, when he had another blow out. He had this blow out in the middle of Riverdale, which is not the best place to be stranded. By this time he did have another spare in his trunk, so he figured he’d just change the tire and be on his way. As he was getting the spare from the trunk, he heard a loud “BANG!”. He figured it was someone shooting so he hit the ground. Come to find out it was actually his car. Another of his tires has spontaneously exploded as he was standing there about to change the first one. I can’t imagine what was going through his head at that moment, but I don’t think it was all pleasant. Here he was, fixing a flat and another tire had blown up. At this point I would probably consider whether I’m praying to the right god. Unfortunately, he only had that one spare tire in his trunk and the other original spare that was still rusted in place. So yet again he needed another tire. For those who wonder why that second tire blew, he said it was because his brakes were locked the whole time and the wheels were getting hot, causing the air in the tires to expand and blow up the tire.
A Dingo Ate My Dog
This is not much of a story, but more perspective on Cy’s luck. I think everyone who has owned a pet has experienced the loss or death of a pet, but few probably experience their pet being eaten by local wildlife. That’s what happened to Cy. He said a wolf or something ate his dog. Granted his dog was a small half-rat looking thing, but I’ve never even seen a wolf before let alone seen one eat my dog. On top of that he had a giant 3 foot long lizard once, I forgot what they’re called, but you get the picture. Somehow this thing ran away too. How does a 3 foot lizard run away? I don’t know squat about lizards, but it seems strange that they could escape so easily. I think he’s even had a horse or two die on him. Again, I don’t know squat about horses either, but I’d imagine I’d be pretty pissed when a 2000 lbs. animal dies on me. I think it died because it ate too soon before it ran or something.
A Walk on the Pipe
A few years ago the city where Cy lived had designated an area where a reservoir was going to be built. Of course part of Cy’s backyard was designated so they city paid them a ridiculously low amount for that land they claimed. One good part is that it would turn their land into lakefront property right. Wrong, their back yard was turned into more of a swamp than anything. Well, with this lake being so close we decided to go fishing. We actually walked to another place on the lake where there weren’t so many trees opposed to Cy’s backyard. We ended up only a ‘stones throw’ from a road to his house. The fishing was going horrible. We weren’t even sure the lake had been stocked yet actually. We ended up just goofing around; skipping rocks and stuff. A little later we decided to walk across this huge 3-4 foot diameter water pipe what extended the entire width of that part of the lake. It was 3 or 4 feet above the water, which was probably only 3 or 4 feet deep at that part anyway. The pipe was probably between 100 and 150 yards long from side to side. Cy wasn’t to sure he could balance all that well, so I went first. Although falling would have been no huge deal, the goal was to get from one side to the other without falling. I took it fairly quickly and reached the other side without falling. Cy was having a difficult time though. He was maybe half way across the pipe when from out of no where this car along the road came to a screeching halt leaving a smoke cloud of burned rubber. I admit, I was pretty scared at first, then I saw it was Cy’s step-father. He had a grin on his face from ear to ear. He started yelling “I got you now boy” in his very southern accent and hurling rocks and whatever he could find on the side of the street at Cy trying to knock him off the pipe into the water. Cy was covering himself and yelling at his step-father to stop and after a few handfuls of rocks he did and left laughing. At this point I was almost coughing blood from laughing so hard. I’ll give Cy credit though, he stayed up and crossed the pipe.
The Snake
This is not an exceptionally funny story, just another reference to Cy’s horrible luck. One hot summer day Cy and I went to Vincent’s house to go fishing. Fishing was slower than usual, so we just walked around the lake looking for turtles and things in the shallow waters. Well, Vincent and I found a snake in the water a foot from the shore. We couldn’t tell if it was alive or not so I poked it with my fishing pole and it clung to it. The sudden movement of the snake freaked me out, so I panicked and flung my pole. The next thing I knew the snake was flying through the air and landed on Cy’s shoulder. The landing of the snake on Cy’s shoulder was quickly followed by a loud girl-like shriek from Cy resembling that of Tom from the “Tom and Jerry” cartoon (understandably so). It was only there for a second or two before he shook it off, but it seemed like an eternity.
Slimy Banana
It seemed to be just another usual day in 5th period math class until Cy pulled out his lunch. A horrible odor spewed from his bag. He proceeded to pull out 2 sandwiches, a bag of chips and the nastiest banana I’d ever seen. I and other fellow classmates commented on his banana, or lack thereof. The smell of this thing was indescribable. You could tell it was once food, but not what exactly. The banana was already separated from it’s peel, so the banana itself was actually just sitting in the bag with a slimy gelatinous brownish coating. We told Cy he should throw that banana away, but he said it was fine. His explained that he liked them sort of old. Ok… I can understand wanting a yellow banana opposed to a green one, but a black and brown banana…No. We tried to explain to Cy how disgusting this banana was but he didn’t heed our warning. He found the peel in his bag and placed the banana back into the peel from which it came. A few minutes later he was called to the office over the room speaker. Once he left, we had a civil discussion about what to do about the banana. Our decision was to stomp on his bag and make banana pudding. At first it was a gentle kick or rub of our foot on his bag, but Ricky decided to do it right. He got up in the middle of class and jumped up and down on his book bag containing his lunch, but more importantly the banana. We decided this was best for Cy. He came back from the office just before class was over. Our uncontrollable laughing tipped him off. As he started to check his bag the bell rang. As I was walking out laughing, I looked back just as he found the banana pudding in his bag. To this day I still laugh when I remember the look on his face. To make this story funnier, his mom called me later that night and told me to stop picking on him. Now if cy was a small frail child, this would be understandable, but fact is he could probably beat all of us up at the same time. Yet again, I laughed uncontrollably.
Man if he didnt have bad luck, he wouldnt have any luck at all. Then again, he did end up marring a cool chick so I guess it didnt end badly.
Ok I am going to add my part to the “Homerding Chronicles.” I believe that this was during one of the events leading to FCHS graduation, but we were all in the lunchroom together, which is rare due to the three different lunches. Cy had finish drinking a canned beverage of some sort, and got the bright idea to crush the can on his forhead. We all encouraged this activity, and so he proceeded to slam the can into his head. The can did not crush. He slammed the can into his head again. He must have slammed that can into his head a good 6-8 times before it finally crushed. It had all of us laughing so hard we couldnt breath.